Monday, 7 May 2012

The Pizza Delusion

Hmmm, Pizza. A dusty base of warm, doughy bread? Sounds good. Tomato puree? Delicious. Mozzarella, Cheddar, Red Leicester and a fourth cheese extravagantly melted into a creamy canopy? Stop it, we’re salivating like sex perverts! But we’re not sex perverts. If fact we’re in seventh heaven it’s looked like we’ve ordered the Quattro Formaggio, but let’s not pretend we weren’t spoilt for choice.  Yes, we all love pizza don’t we? Or do we? “Yes.” I hear you reply. Who are you kidding you idiot? Shut up, put down that slice for one second and listen. Besides you’re not even holding it properly and the cheese is falling off, dragging the rest of the topping with it. You idiot.

 "The going rate for change is not cheap. Big ideas are expensive."- Bono, U2

The General Crust Of It

Here is your slice of pizza (pictured below.) Traditionally a slice is consumed in the direction shown. 
The problem lies herewith, in its structure. As we all know in our hearts, the first and pointiest bite is the most gratifying. The nature of the cooking process means the centre of the pizza avoids the harshest heat from any wood-fired or domesticated oven- rudimentary science. This means the first mouthful is moist and delightfully stringy. The dough’s texture is more forgiving and at the bite moment, our nose hovers over the rest of the slice, gormlessly hoovering up the oily aromas of the remaining tranche. Do we detect some dried oregano? Not so gormless now nose. It goes without saying; this is Pizza performing at a remarkable level of gastro-excellence. The next few bites are pretty good too but somehow tainted as our brains, now addled by FBE (First Bite Euphoria), subconsciously anticipate with what we will soon be left; a shivering crust, that has cooled fast; a crust that longingly glances central over the steaming golden baize; uninsulated; naked; crying. On the concave edge, we have left behind about an inch of “pizza”, to help swallow this pill (a dry, long pill, made of bread.) Here the oven has done its worst and the tomato has reduced, to a metallic paste. In really extreme cases the burning fires have fused, burnt cheese shavings to the harsh exterior of the crust and the little shavings, helpless and terrified, are alone, frozen in time like Han Solo at the end of Star Wars: Episode V - The Empire Strikes Back. The pizza slice is an anti-climax. Yes, it’s true. Not so hungry now, are you? Idiot.

“Turn your wounds into wisdom.” — Oprah Winfrey

Pizzagorath’s Theorum

And then it came to me, as if I’d been struck by lightning. (Having said this, the experience was nothing like being struck by lightning- I’d be dead.) Anyway, here (below, right) is a taste of what our future will be like.
BOOM! As you can see from my accurate diagram, a small hole has been hollowed at the pizza’s core, allowing for a stylish hoop-shaped crust. Yes, beauty and brains- the Carol Vorderman of pizzas. The slice would be held from the “crust tab” and enjoyed in the direction shown, each bite leads you inwards and climaxes you at each slice, at the centre. This Quattro Formaggio was prepared by my mother at home recently and was the closest I have come to experiencing a multiple orgasm. Sadly my mother passed away last week so I haven’t had a second one yet. To make matters better the decision whether or not to discard the crust is now a joy; by leaving behind this innovative smaller crust wastage is minimal, so you can ignore any distracting thoughts of those hungrier or less fortunate than yourself. If you decide to eat the crust, you can combine it with the best part of the pizza and at a generous ratio of pizza to crust.

So there you have it idiot. Pick up your slice, replace the fallen topping, maybe re-heat it a bit, and finish it, because there’s nothing we can do about your wanky pizza now. All we can do is hope- hope these world-changing blueprints fall into the hands of the great Italian super-giants like Antonio Carluccio, Papa John Tucci and Graham Domino’s, because the pizza revolution is here idiot, and people won’t stand for this sordid mistake anymore.