The General Crust Of It
Here is your slice of pizza (pictured below.) Traditionally
a slice is consumed in the direction shown.
The problem lies herewith, in its structure. As we all know
in our hearts, the first and pointiest bite is the most gratifying. The nature
of the cooking process means the centre of the pizza avoids the harshest heat
from any wood-fired or domesticated oven- rudimentary science. This means the
first mouthful is moist and delightfully stringy. The dough’s texture is more
forgiving and at the bite moment, our nose hovers over the rest of the slice, gormlessly
hoovering up the oily aromas of the remaining tranche. Do we detect some dried
oregano? Not so gormless now nose. It goes without saying; this is Pizza performing
at a remarkable level of gastro-excellence. The next few bites are pretty good
too but somehow tainted as our brains, now addled by FBE (First Bite Euphoria),
subconsciously anticipate with what we will soon be left; a shivering crust,
that has cooled fast; a crust that longingly glances central over the steaming
golden baize; uninsulated; naked; crying. On the concave edge, we have left
behind about an inch of “pizza”, to help swallow this pill (a dry, long pill, made
of bread.) Here the oven has done its worst and the tomato has reduced, to a metallic
paste. In really extreme cases the burning fires have fused, burnt cheese
shavings to the harsh exterior of the crust and the little shavings, helpless
and terrified, are alone, frozen in time like Han Solo at the end of Star Wars:
Episode V - The Empire Strikes Back. The pizza slice is an anti-climax. Yes, it’s
true. Not so hungry now, are you? Idiot.
“Turn your wounds into
wisdom.” — Oprah Winfrey
Pizzagorath’s Theorum
And then it came to me, as if I’d been struck by lightning. (Having
said this, the experience was nothing like being struck by lightning-
I’d be dead.) Anyway, here (below, right) is a taste of what our future will be like.
BOOM! As you can see from my accurate diagram, a
small hole has been hollowed at the pizza’s core, allowing for a stylish
hoop-shaped crust. Yes, beauty and brains- the Carol Vorderman of pizzas. The
slice would be held from the “crust tab” and enjoyed in the direction shown, each
bite leads you inwards and climaxes you at each slice, at the centre. This
Quattro Formaggio was prepared by my mother at home recently and was the
closest I have come to experiencing a multiple orgasm. Sadly my mother passed
away last week so I haven’t had a second one yet. To make matters better the decision
whether or not to discard the crust is now a joy; by leaving behind this innovative smaller crust wastage is minimal, so you can ignore any distracting thoughts of
those hungrier or less fortunate than yourself. If you decide to eat the crust,
you can combine it with the best part of the pizza and at a generous ratio of pizza
to crust.
So there you have it idiot. Pick up your slice, replace the
fallen topping, maybe re-heat it a bit, and finish it, because there’s nothing
we can do about your wanky pizza now. All we can do is hope- hope these world-changing blueprints fall into the hands of the great Italian super-giants like Antonio
Carluccio, Papa John Tucci and Graham Domino’s, because the pizza revolution is
here idiot, and people won’t stand for this sordid mistake anymore.